Heartbreaking and Heart-Rebuilding

It’s been a whirlwind six months for my family. 

This past fall, my daughter surprised the family with the happy news that she was pregnant with our first grandchild—the first baby on my side of the family in twenty-something years! We immediately called my 89-year-old mother in Florida to share the news and let her know that her wish to become a great-grandmother was coming true! 

Weeks later, the whole family reunited in New Jersey to celebrate my nephew’s wedding. That Saturday, we laughed and danced welcoming a lovely woman into our growing family. Mom was the only surviving grandparent at the wedding, and she got to see my daughter beautifully blossoming with pregnancy, cute baby bump and all. Mom, six months shy of 90, and usually spunky and talkative, wasn’t herself that day. She complained of being cold and shivered throughout the celebration. But it was fall in New Jersey, we reasoned, and Mom, after nearly 30 years in Florida, was unused to the chilly northern temps that dipped substantially when the sunlight disappeared. 

The morning after the wedding, as our families prepared to check out of our hotel rooms and head home, we were devastated to learn that Mom, curled up asleep on the couch of a rented home, left this world.

Together, we grieved and cried at this shocking and unthinkable loss. 

Now, months in hindsight, I can appreciate that Mom gave us a gift leaving us in that way—with our family, her four children, their spouses, and her beloved grandchildren—all together. As we live in four different states, this was a truly rare occasion. And that Mom went peacefully, without fear, gives us comfort even now.

The family gathered again in Florida for Mom’s funeral services. My siblings bestowed upon me the honor of eulogizing our mother. It’s been a while since I’d written with such diligence and purpose. I wanted to get this right, for Mom, for all that she was to our family, to highlight her boundless energy, her extraordinary and at times, feisty personality, her gratitude and exuberance for life.  

I think I did her proud.

On the heels of Mom’s passing, my grief still very raw, my husband and I took a wonderful trip to England to celebrate his 60th birthday. Unfortunately, I returned with Covid, followed by laryngitis, illnesses that both left me voiceless and knocked me flat for months. And as most know, the first holiday season after the passing of a loved one is particularly harrowing. We are five months into a year of firsts without Mom.

On Friday, March 31st, a bright light shined on our family with the birth of my grandson, Finn William. Our family is over the moon. 

My husband and I are grandparents: Gigi and Poppy!

Today, on the cusp of my grandson’s first full week of life, is Mom’s birthday. She would have been 90! We were planning to take her to Savannah, the whole family, for a weeklong celebration she would’ve loved. Instead, today we celebrate her memory.

I carry some of Mom’s ashes in a heart locket necklace, so she’s always with me. She was with me when I held my grandson for the first time and whispered in his ear how loved he is. I’m filled with joy touching Finn’s perfect miniature toes and fingers, happily thinking of all the firsts I will have with him, and finally experiencing the joy my mother must have felt holding each of her eight grandchildren for the very first time.

The circle of life. Both heartbreaking and heart-rebuilding.

Happy birthday Mom.